June 23rd, 2018
I wish my mind was stronger to brush things off, but sometimes it can’t be helped. And the only way I can deal with things is to write about them. Even if I do it poorly, causing even more confusion to others, or if people around me – that know me in person – tell me it’s not worth my time. I know it myself, yet it affects me mentally and I must get my thoughts out.
Any time I do an interview, one of the questions is: how do you deal with hate?
Anyone that has made a career off the internet, or is somewhat known online – for a reason or another – is most likely going to receive some harsh critiques.
Criticism is fine, it can help people grow, but there is a line between criticising someone in order to provide valuable feedback, and be straight up mean.
I remember when, many years ago, I used to watch Michelle Phan’s videos. I remember finding her inspiring (although not a constant watcher), as she worked hard to create a brand and work for others. Her content was so well put together, and through the years you could see the improvements.
She put herself out there, which lead to her not only achieving some pretty major goals, but also caught the eyes of people that were looking at her simply to criticise whatever she did.
I remember reading comments from people saying she had so much surgery done, like chin implants, and getting so heated about it, calling her out. And at the time I thought – how do people come up with such accusations? And most importantly, why do they care? If she did anything, why would that matter to others? Do you feel that because she is an Internet personality, she must disclose everything about her life?
That was so bizarre to me.
Fast forward a few years, I read so many things about myself, too. Yes, even chin implants.
Let me get this straight: I don’t know much about Michelle, as I’m bringing her up as an example, but so many other youtubers (in this case), especially females, get this same treatment – especially from other women. That includes me, so I will now talk about my views on this, and my experiences.
Three days ago I made the silly decision to google my name cause I was looking for one of my blog posts to look up a specific date. As the results showed up, I moved the cursor over to my blog, but my attention focused on the next few search results.
And so the curiosity got the best of me… I know! I know! I’m disappointed in myself too, but it happened.
And so I spent a good 10 minutes (anything above that can be deadly) reading how some people perceived me.
Again, I know this is bad, and probably the worse part about it is that we (me, in this case) give attention to negative comments when others are so supportive and lovely, and tend to passed unnoticed. My manager once said that the negative people are the loudest, and that’s true. By paying attention to this, I feel like I somehow did wrong to you guys, the people that genuinely like me for who I am. So I do apologise about that, and also for what I expect to be a long, long blog entry.
I just want you to know that I do appreciate you being here, and all your support, truly. Reading your comments and knowing that you guys are there, keeps me positive even when I’m feeling down, because I know I can count on you, and that’s big – so thank you!
But allow me to fix a few things up…
Alright, we all know the internet can be both an incredible tool to connect with others, but also a very dark place. That’s no secret.
But when you are able to read certain things about yourself, it is hard to keep it all down; I do wish that if anyone had a problem with me, they could write me about it directly, yet it is almost impossible to get that useful feedback, and most likely the type of people that spread false information about someone else aren’t interested in learning the truth, as they enjoy gossiping too much.
I always think that if you met your ‘haters’ in person, and have a real conversation, you would be able to change their minds and get along. But this way, when only one person is exposed, and the others hide behind screens, it seems unfair; and I highly doubt those same people would act the exact same way, if they were face to face with the person they are bashing online.
So let me put a foot forward and make a few statements, starting with one of the most valuable points: I’m the first one to say that 1) I do not deserve all my followers, I’m far too lucky; 2) I got and still get tons of exposure because I’m with Felix; 3) there are so many channels out there that offer better content than what I put out.
I completely agree with every point. I really do! But my issues are 1) I didn’t force anyone to follow me, or never even asked to; 2) Please provide me with solutions to this as I don’t see how that could be helped; 3) I don’t see how having a certain amount of followers takes away from other creators. Yes, they are more deserving, that’s for sure, but again, I’m not sure how to change that.
I can already imagine my team – a group of 9 amazing people – or my family and friends shaking their heads to this, and probably feeling disappointed by me even admitting this online. I’m sorry! I need to be completely honest in order to move past this!
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about other topics people criticise me for:
- I’M LAZY AND CHILDISH
Yes, maybe 4 years ago I was, and was pretty open about it. I would be messy and barely clean the house. But I also had terrible social anxiety, and was very insecure. I’m not saying that excused me, but you could be able to see how having issues with myself, could result in me not being able to act as an adult and focus on my responsibilities.
I changed a lot since then and grew as a person. You can still say that I like childish things, if you want to, but I’m simply living my life. I don’t feel the need to judge other people’s lifestyle and choices… why do you? I think that says more about you then me, in this case.
2. MY WORK ETHIC
I used to be really hard on myself, thinking I wasn’t good enough, or working hard enough. I’ve learned that I should be doing what makes me happy, and in doing so I’ve realised I was able to create a little business and work with very talented and friendly people. You may not want to recognise it yourself or give me credit for it, but I’m happy with how I’m handling myself in life.
You may argue that anything I create is nothing more than kids craft, but if that’s your stance, you clearly want to see what is convenient for the picture you painted of me in your head, and no matter what I do, nothing is going to change that.
3. MY DIET
There is a lot of confusion about this, so let me spell it out: I’m vegetarian. No, I don’t eat meat or fish (anything you see are replacements). Yes, I still eat dairy and eggs.
Felix is pescatarian, hence why sometimes you will see fish on the table, or him eating it in blogs, but no, I’ve never eaten fish and never will.
4. MY HEALTH & WEIGHT
Some people seem under the impression that I keep myself thin, or that I’ve lost lots of weight, when really my number have always been in the mouth of others, wrongfully.
I grew up shapeless, but I’ve talked about this plenty in the past. I remember my gym teacher in high school would call me and two other thin girls ‘anorexic’ as if it was our first name. You can now make your point of – uh, society and the beauty industry now regards thinner women as the ideal; you must have had it so hard, poor you! – with sarcasm, but when you are a young teenager, comparing yourself to others and not seeing as much development in your body, trust me, you don’t think ‘oh, I look so good!’ but rather think ‘why don’t I look like the other girls?‘.
I saw this comment saying: ‘she looked much healthier last year’. And I found myself laughing as this person clearly wasn’t aware of how many doctor appointments I had, last year.
I quit the pill, and my weight has been stable and healthy ever since. I don’t own a scale anymore but I feel the best I’ve felt in years. I’ve gone to a nutritionist that tought me lots of useful stuff, and getting off the pill, overtime, made me feel better and better.
I saw people even saying I was lying about having emetophobia. Oh, I wish! Ask any of my friends, that see me closing my ears and eyes any time someone is gagging in a movie. I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of vomiting, and I’m trying my absolute best to not have this phobia to take over my life.
For people stating that I’m lying because if I truly felt that way, I wouldn’t drink milk (I’m lactose intolerant) let me just saying that I’ve been intolerant since birth and all it does is give me some gas. No nausea. Which is why I allow myself to have some dairy.
6. CARING FOR FELIX
You may recall a blog post I wrote last year, called Fear.
I explained how Felix had the norovirus and I was petrified. I felt powerless cause my fear took over (because norovirus causes you to throw up uncontrollably for hours). It happened during the night, and I kept having panic attacks because it was the first time, since throwing up in a lawyer toilet for hours, alone, when I was 13 years old, that I had to face my worse fear.
When people read that I wasn’t able to control myself, and made it all about me, with my panic attacks, they were outraged.
In that blog post I believe it was quite clear how I felt AWFUL about being so useless. I only managed to call the ambulance for help, but I wasn’t able to stay closer to Felix. I know, it’s terrible. I’m aware of it, and I wasn’t trying to hide it. It was selfish of me, but I also think that people envisioned me doing absolutely nothing to help, when really I was trying. I eventually snapped out of it, and took care of him. I went everywhere and got what I could, and looked after him the whole week as he was recovering.
People were saying that if I had a kid, I would be a terrible mother cause I would just not deal with illness. All the years Felix and I have been together I’ve never had issues when he was sick, it was just this one case, which is why I felt the need to talk about it and hear your thoughts. Because it involved my emetophobia, which I can’t control and I’m working on it. Lots of you were very comforting, but a lot of others took this chance to absolutely bring me down… well, that’s very low!
Where should I begin…. Oh! The axolotls!
If you have been checking my channel out for a few years, you will know I wanted an axolotl, and eventually, I got two. Later that year we learned that Felix and I had to spend a month in LA, for Felix’s show to be filmed.
I asked my friend Daizo to care for the axolotls and the pugs while we were away, to which she kindly agreed.
The tank they were in was a nice aquarium I bought from the closest fish shop; it was set up, and it didn’t show anything wrong with it when I left.
Unfortunately, it turns out, the design wasn’t ideal as it was sitting in a furniture piece that was not wide enough to support the weight of the tank, which overtime caused it to crack. Daizo heard the loud noise and texted me right away.
I asked her to save as much water as possible and put the axolotls in the bath with it.
Cycling a tank requires a lot of time, and being away, I simply could not ask her to go out, buy a tank (by herself, by foot), and set it all up. That was not an option! So we called the woman that sold the axolotls to us, and she was kind enough to come get them back.
From all of this happening, I knew it wouldn’t have been right to try again, as at this point we had learned that Felix and I had many more business trips lined up and it would have been too difficult to properly look after axolotls.
But of course, people passed this as ‘she was tired of them and gave them away’. Okay, I guess that’s how it went then.
Now onto dogs: the main focus is Maya.
Remember how I said in a previous blog that she has pancreatitis, and we believed that the formula of her food may have changed (according to reviews) causing her stomach sensitivity? Well, the vet seemed to agree, which is why I wrote it, yet people seemed to think I was making it up to cover up for my lack of attention for Maya.
If you have a dog with pancreatitis, you know that a small change in diet can cause major issues. And the ingredients on her food did in fact change. That’s all it was, but please do keep making it seem differently if that suits your narrative.
The biggest problem people have with Maya is her nails. They say that I should address it, but when I don’t, they say I’m salty. So I guess you can never win and I’m not even going to bother anymore with this topic. You may believe what you wish. If we were really lazy and careless, shouldn’t Edgar have the same problem too? Yet his nails are always perfectly trimmed.
8. MY LOOKS
This is juicy! The way I look, other than my weight, is a favourite topic online.
I’m turning 26 this year, and I’ve been on youtube since I was 19 years old.
I’ve had two surgeries on my nose, both of which I’ve disclosed: the first one to correct a deviated septum, which cause my nostril to collapse and required a follow up surgery, which I tried to postpone because of fear.
My nose is still unsymmetrical, and I’m a bit self-conscious. In person I have no issues, but because people tear me apart on the internet, based on the way I look, forgive me if I tent to avoid showing the least favourite part of my face.
My teeth are also heavily discussed, which also brings up the topic of my lips.
As mentioned earlier, I got Invisalign a few years back. I used to have my front teeth really pushed out, after an injury I had as a child. People think my teeth look massive as a result of veneers, but I never had veneers. These are in fact my real teeth, and yes, they are massive, but I love them!
Because I hated my teeth before, I used to want to bring the least amount of attention to my mouth, making my lips very pale. I also always had a crooked smile, and a large mouth, which people always teased me about online (hey, I definitely do not have a symmetric face, that’s for sure!) so last year, in September, I tried lip fillers to even out the look. I had some only on the top lip, not the bottom.
I felt like it didn’t help much, so I went back a few weeks later and asked to get it dissolved (leaving some on the right side, which is naturally a bit less full in comparison to the left). It was something I wanted to try and didn’t feel like it was necessary to share as I’ve only had it for such a small amount of time. I didn’t even say it to my friends, it would have been weird having to clear it up online, but I guess I have to. I’ve done nothing to my lips since, it’s been 10 months (fillers disappear within 6-8 months) and simply realised I could get a fuller look by faking it with a nude lip pencil and some gloss. But then again, even before doing this, people always asked if I got lip fillers after my invisalign treatment (even my mom, so I guess you guys are not crazy for thinking that, after all).
So any detectives out there, yes, I did try it out for two weeks; I didn’t like it, and now I overline my lips. Oh and by the way: no, no chin implants. No jaw surgery. People look different overtime, and that’s normal.
Learn to respect people no matter how they look, or what they change about themselves.
9. MY UPBRINGING
I get it, I can come across as a naive snowflake that has been sheltered her entire life, because of what I let out in my videos, and my constant ‘positive attitude’ (kind of weird that I even need to write this as if it’s a bad thing).
Well, let me just say: if you don’t know me personally, you are not going to know what I dealt with in my life. The majority of people suffer and go through horrible things in the course of their lives, but it’s the way you approach them that makes you get through them.
I appear to come from a rich family that gave me anything I wanted, and spoiled me – and sure, I do have a good family that is present for me – but you are so wrong if you think everything has always being idillic in my life. Definitely didn’t have a terrible childhood, but things weren’t always easy.
No. I don’t share those things. Not because I want to give out the illusion of a perfect life, but because I choose to share things that affected just me, and nothing about things I went through in the past because they also affect other people, and could potentially hurt their lives if I exposed such details to others.
So go ahead, picture me and my life the way you wish to, and judge me based on whatever it is you see online, but stop acting as if you are a superior being that knows me without actually knowing me.
If I have such a positive attitude towards life it’s because I have seen how awful it can be, and I try my absolute best to live a happy life. Some people don’t ever get to choose, but I was lucky enough to have that choice and every day I’m grateful for the life I have. It would be silly not to be positive!
Anyway, I’m sure there will be plenty of other stuff I wasn’t able to address in this post, that people have problems with, but I’m honestly worn out and feel silly even typing things out at this point. Plus, I’m pretty certain all of the things I took time to explain will most likely be taken apart regardless, and only stir up more drama.
But hey, I had been bottling it in and I’m unable to focus on things that actually matter until I get this out of the way. So again, all of you marzipans that had to sit through this – I’m sorry, I know it was a long rant!
Whoever is reading this, thank you for making it to the end.
I’m open to have a real conversation, if you are.