January 2nd, 2018
Not sure how.
I’m the kind of person that waits until the clock hits a certain number before posting a video. Would anyone care, if I posted it at 17.03? I doubt it. But I have to make sure it’s either 17.00, or 17.05. Which is very strange, because I never tend to care about things like this on any other situation.
I live my life in the middle – in every sense. I’m okay with not being the best, but not being the worst; not standing out too much, but not be invisible either.
I think maybe with this specific topic, it is different, because I’m unsure, and I’ve always been.
Today I’m gonna talk about many things, but mostly focus on my Youtube ‘career’ and what that entails. I went for a walk and couldn’t shake off these thoughts, so I figured writing would help me, as I’m hoping you could shed some light on it as well.
You would think that after all these years I’ve been on Youtube, things would be clear for me: I should have things figured out, and a strong point of view. Yet, I never had.
I think that’s why, when people first started coming across my channel, and only really caring because of who I am associated with, would hurt. If I knew who I was, and what I had to offer, I would be able to brush things off. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not down about it at all, I’m just sharing these things because it’s a new year, and I really want to make a change. I’m feeling positive, and I think that’s why I’m okay to post about my insecurities, because I’m fine with feeling this way, and truly want your feedback.
If you pick out each one of the close people in my life, like Emma, PJ, Felix (as well as all the others I hang out with) you can clearly tell what their strengths are, and what they are putting out there with their content. They are all very defined, I can easily tell their styles, their personalities, and so on. They are all such interesting and talented people, and from each one I am inspired by.
Now, don’t misunderstand this: I’m in no way saying I compare myself to any of my friends – I know that PJ is an incredibly gifted story teller and filmmaker, and Emma is an artist when it comes to makeup, so I’m in no way trying to meet their skill levels – what I’m saying is that I don’t know what I bring to the table.
When it comes down to me, I believe I do have multiple skills, but none that I truly excel at (I’ve touched upon this in a past blog post) – which to be honest, it’s fine for the most part, as I enjoy being able to try out and expand my interests, but it is quite frustrating not knowing what you true strength is. If you take a look at my channel, I don’t even know who I really am, so I’m not sure what comes across. I don’t know what my videos say about me… or maybe I do; they just never felt like a true representation of me, which is what bothers me.
Sure, I am a positive, light hearted person, that finds happiness in the simple things – like shown in my videos – but I do think there is much more to my personality, I just can’t seem to share that through the lens. I don’t know how to do that.
My fear is that, possibly, even my close friends don’t get to experience that from me; I sometimes notice how everybody is nicer to me that they are to others – which I do appreciate, of course – but I can’t help but feel like I’m perceived as naive and weak, and need to be shielded by reality and criticism.
This year I would love to make a change, be able to open up, talk about different topics I don’t usually discuss, add some depth and meaning to my channel, to show that there is more to me. But in all honesty, I have no idea how to do that, mostly because – as I mentioned – I don’t even know what I’m good at to begin with.
I know and appreciate the fact that people take my channel for what it is: a place where I post uplifting and positive videos about anything that interests me in that particular moment; from pet videos, to travel vlogs. But I also feel like I’ve been doing just those type of stuff for long enough that I should allow myself to grow and experiment with other things as well. So this is – in no way – an attempt to change, stop or remove the things I’ve done in the past, but rather a starting point to open up something new.
Because I’m so lost, I thought writing all of this on my blog could be a good starting point.
This post is all over the place, I’m aware of it, but hopefully something is coming across. If you don’t mind me asking: what makes you want to read what I write? What do you enjoy from my videos?
I’ve noticed lots of people asking me to bring the ‘monthly notes’ series from 2016 back – I’ve decided to listen to all the requests and do another year full of mini goals; hopefully that will push me to experience new things, which can never hurt, and come closer to finding myself.
But, I guess another question I have would be: is there anything you would want me to do, on my channel? Is there something I’ve never done and you would enjoy seeing me try out?
Even just thinking of my next video, I don’t really know what to film. Sure, I have plenty of ideas written down already and some series I want to do this year, but I simply don’t know how to begin 2018 – Youtube wise.
I feel like making a video about this topic could have been interesting, and a good way to change things up, yet I’m unable to open up like this on that platform, which is part of the problem.
I don’t know, maybe this year will turn out just like any of my other years, as far as content goes, and things will be just fine that way – but I think that at least spending some time thinking about ways to improve, and let you guys know how I really feel, is a step forward.
—-EDIT. This post has been up for a few hours now and you guys honestly gave me the most incredible encouragements, advices and feedback. I actually had teary eyes as I’m so happy you guys are part of my journey, and helped me see that what I do is meaningful to others, even if my interests are all over the place, and many of my videos document the simplest things in life. I truly appreciated reading through your comments, and feel even more positive now about this new year. Thank you all so much for sticking around, and for being the most amazing community. I feel incredibly lucky!