FEAR.

May 30th, 2017

I feel like I’m breaking.

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At 2am Felix started to vomit violently.

That’s when my panic attacks started.

We were sleeping, then I feel him sitting straight up. He is always very healthy, the only other time I’ve seen him sick was that one time in Japan. That was scary because we were so far from home, without meds, a plane to catch, and both extremely sick.

But that has nothing on this.

Felix – as well as you, most likely – is aware of my phobia of vomiting, and so only later today he told me that he was feeling nauseous all evening. He didn’t say anything, and eat all his food, so it came as a shock when I heard him running down to the toilet and hear him throw up. Many, many times.

In that moment, at the very first sound, I jump up the bad, run downstairs, open a window and cover my hears. Shaking, In terror. This first panic attack lasts even after he comes to the living room to check on me. Notice how he has to check on me – he was the one feeling ill, but I couldn’t handle it, and it felt awful.

When I calm down, I think about what I cooked him for dinner: one of the sides was Chinese leaf, which I didn’t know was a type of cabbage (to which he is intolerant, but usually just gets some bloating).

I felt terrible for feeding him that, I just didn’t know, but if anything I figured that if that was the case, with all that puking any trace of it should have gone away, and he should be able to go back to sleep.

I was wrong. 10 minutes later he runs down again, same thing.

He keeps on going for a while, till I call my parents at 3am. At this point I knew it wasn’t the food, but a bug. And so it was contagious, and by now it probably made its way to me as well.

My parents suggest me to call the ambulance. Felix says he doesn’t need anyone to check on him.

5 minutes later, he has a terrible vomit attack and asks me to call, and so I do.

15 minutes later, the ambulance arrives: two people come out, the woman seems a bit bothered to be here at this hour, whilst the man doesn’t say much.

They go up to him, and just confirm it’s a virus, and he has to wait it out. Nothing else. Considering the amount of pain he was in, and the fact that he just couldn’t stop throwing up, I was hoping that they would give him something to help, but no.

The nightmare continues. Felix gets out a bucket (the bathroom at this point is all filled with vomit to the point that nothing goes down) and sleeps in the little bedroom downstairs.

It doesn’t get any better till 8, when he finally manages to nap, and I take the chance to wear some rubber gloves and spray bleach anywhere I can think of.

He wakes up at around 11am, and does a final ‘push’. Falls back to sleep, till 3-4pm.

I go out with my phone on hand, and grab some of the things both the internet and pharmacists recommended. When I get back, Felix was awake and able to chat with me for 10 minutes. I had my mask on, and kept my distance, but I don’t have much hope I will be able to escape the virus as I read it can be contagious for 2 whole weeks after the person recovers.

When it comes to me, I’ve done lots of crying today, and got reminded of how awful panic attacks are, especially if you have to deal with them alone.

This is my biggest fear coming to life, and what is worse is that I can’t shake the thought that I will soon start to feel like Felix did, and that is the scariest thing ever to me. Especially because Felix isn’t well enough to be able to look after me either.

I’m grateful that friends and my parents reached out, so I don’t feel too alone, but obviously nobody can come over to help so I am, in fact, by myself at the moment. Not to mention I need to also care for the pugs in all of this.

I have had about 3 hours of sleep on the couch in total, I feel exhausted and mentally broken. I can’t seem to eat much, my dinner consisted on a banana. I’m a ball of stress and anxiety and I keep on crying at random. I’m just so afraid.

I thought maybe coming on here and share all the details (sorry about how gross this post is) would somehow make me feel better – I can’t say it has done that, but if anything it’s taking some time off of me not doing anything other than staring out the window.

If you don’t hear anything from me, for a little while, you know why, but I’m hoping with all my heart that I will able to stay clear of the virus.

Marzia.

211 thoughts on “FEAR.

  1. kathleenbsq

    Wow, I’m so sorry to read this! I think that no one can really understand what you’re going throught except if suffering from the same phobia. But, know that we’re all here to support you & Felix! I’ll said like others said, get some fresh air and stay positive, our feelings and brain can do wonders! Take care of yourself, I’m sure you’re gonna be ok because you’re such a strong woman ❤
    Hope Felix will get better soon so you can enjoy some fearless time together, stay strong!

    Sorry for the bad english, lots of love from France
    Kathleen

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Dimitra

    I know that you are suffering very much at the moment but I want you to know that all of us believe in you! Have courage and take care of yourself and Felix. We love you and I’m sure that you will be ok soon ❤❤❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. violetnikol

    Oh, I also have fear of these things. I cry kinda automaticaly when I vommit. I really hate it.
    I’m sorry for you and Felix, that you are going through this awful virus. It’s nothing that someone would want.

    Wish you lot of health and hope to get out of this uncomfortable situation, soon! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Agustina

    This post broke my heart so much. I had the stomach bug when I was a kid, and I remember throwing up all the time and being in so much pain, it’s just awful, and it also made me have a fobia to vomiting (wich is why I cry when I throw up). I just hope Felix gets well 😦 and you as well Marzia, because I can understand a little bit what you’re going through.
    Lots of love,
    Agustina

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Natacha

    It make me so sad to hear that ! I wish I can give you a hug and tell you everything is ok !
    By reading your post I just understand than last week-end I made my first ever panic attack because of my social anxiety so I know the pain, I know how much you need to have people you love close to you. But you know we love you ,we are here, maybe not in person (I wish so) but we still here. Stay strong beautiful woman ! I cross my finger this virus just go away ! ( To help don’t forget to open your windows all the times and clean doors and stuff you usually use with antispetic) FIGHTING ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ^^Valeria^^

    Mi dispiace tanto marzia! Anche se non posso fare nulla per aiutarvi spero che anche solo questo commento ti faccia sentire meglio!
    Ti sono vicina, sono sicura che starete meglio prestissimo!
    Tienici aggiornati.
    Valeria 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. hntnjones

    I’m so sorry to hear y’all aren’t feeling well. If only it was his allergy. 😯😯 Hope you both get well soon and recover quickly. 💜💗

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Tila

    I am so sorry for both of you guys !
    Hope Felix will get beter soon and I hope that you don’t get sick.
    You can get trough this Marzia ! ❤

    Lots of love and good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Külliki

    So sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a hard time. Hopefully Felix will feel better really soon and you will escape the virus altogether. Sending lots of positive energy your way!

    I also tend to catch this virus once every other year, it does suck so much. Knowing that it’s really bad only a short while and then it will be over helps me get through it. Drinking chamomile tea also helps soothe the stomach a bit (although at first everything keeps coming back up, but I insist on drinking it a little bit at a time).

    Have you ever thought about seeking councelling regarding your phobia of vomiting? Therapy doesn’t always help everyone but it MIGHT. After all, vomiting is something most people have to deal with throughout their lives (e.g. morning sickness during pregnancy, food poisoning). My best friend has the same phobia and speaking to her therapist has somewhat helped. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. celinesara

    Marzia, if you’re reading, this might help you. I had this bug and called an emergency doctor in Switzerland, also in the middle of the night. He gave me a shot of Primperan (Metoclopramid), which is a powerful anti-vomiting drug and I instantly stoped vomiting. He prescribed the drug at a 10mg dosage for the next three days. But 24h later everything was back to normal. The doctor said it’s extremely important to drink water because vomiting dehydrates your body. To not overcharge the digestive track little sips regularly works.

    The good news is that my partner got nothing 🙂 You can also boost your system with echinacea and grapefruit seed extract which both are plant base and have strong desinfectant properties.
    So that’s it, I hope you’ll be healthy and get through this fast ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Tokka M Hafez

    Give the pugs awya to any of your friends so they can take care of them while you take care of felix because at this point you don’t need anymore pressure or responsibility from the pugs
    Hope felix feels well soon and that you dont get the virus

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Amanda

    I’m so sorry Marzia, I hope Felix and you feel better soon. I know how you feel, I have a severe phobia of it as well. We’re all here for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ellie

    Hi Marzia!
    I’m sad to read this! 😦 I too have a phobia of being sick, so much so, I’ve actually gotten sick from it!
    (funny that..)
    My panic attacks used to be so bad it would make me wretch and sick, which sounds so silly when I write it down but it’s true.
    So I can understand entirely how you feel!
    If you take precautions, keep yours hands clean and bleach where he was ill (which you did), you may not get it anyway!
    The best thing you can do is try to relax and take your mind off it, maybe watch a movie or do something crafty whilst felix gets some rest
    I hope both you and felix feel better soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Daria

    Marzia! Im so sorry that you’re going through a such terrible experience(
    I know how bad panic attacks are( What had helped me is something warm to hold-a mug, a cup of soup..
    If you’re start to shiver-try to concentrate on the feeling of warmth and try to feel abstract from the world for a few minutes, just to calm your heartbeat
    Hope you’ll do great. No matter what, remember thet there are just SOO many people who are there for you

    Liked by 1 person

  15. cripibelle

    Sorry to hear about that, two months ago we had kinda the same virus(my husband and I, plus my brother in law who was staying with us). I hate vomiting and I hate that feeling that you just described, and living in the USA with no money for healthcare we don’t like to go to ER or call ambulance( I already gotten sick last year and they didn’t help with pain or anything and it was super expensive) so the only good part of my story is that the boys were sick first and I was able to take care of them the whole weekend when that happened, and when it was my turn they had to go to work because conveniently it happened to me in a week day. So I’m 24 years now and I been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life but never really treated it, like I said I can’t afford it. But I do believe that keeping a positive attitude and talking about it helps me, so I don’t know it may help you too. And I just avoid situations where I know I may get one of those attacks.
    I don’t know, I’m just reading this while I’m dying of menstrual cramps and I might be a little emotional but just letting you know I get you girl!
    Hope you don’t get the virus it sucks, and if you do hope it only last a day or two so you don’t have to deal with all the other stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oriana

    I am so sorry for both of you ! I hope Felix can recover soon enough so he can rest a bit.
    And for the panic attacks I understand the struggle : you KNOW it’s not rational, but you just CAN’T control it. It’s such a frustrating sensation !
    Carry on Marzia, if you clean all the sheets and regularly wash your hands you’ll be fine 🙂 My thoughts are with you ❤️

    Like

  17. Rebbie

    oh I feel so sorry for you :/ I cant imagine this phobia (didnt even know it excisted), but it seems like a nightmare. I hope It`ll get better very soon ❤

    Like

  18. kanishkasdiary

    Ohk so it’s been few days I was wondering where’s Felix and why isn’t he uploading any videos cause he uploads every single day and I even prayed that hope he’s doing well… and I just now watched your video and came rushing here to checkout the new post you talked about cause I totally missed …honestly I’m same as u I panic and feel stressed even when close ones get sick or ill …I really love you and Felix and it really scared me too ….hope things get better sooon 💝 loads of love …

    Like

    1. elbadilan9

      Ohh, Marzia :/ It pains me to know you’re going through this. I’m so sorry this happened. I just saw your YouTube video and am very happy to see that you’re okay. Much love and support from Puerto Rico ✌💕 I love you guys.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Hannah

    just remember to stay strong for urself and felix, u will help eachother thru this. take lots of walks and eat healthy i know u can do this

    Like

  20. a0204

    Stay well, Marzia ♥ I hope that Felix will be all healed soon.
    When my dog was sick earlier in the year, I was so afraid and got panic attacks thinking I’d lose her. She didn’t get better until about a month later. In between all the chaos, you have to somehow remember to care for yourself because without you being strong and healthy, you can’t really strengthen others. In dark times like these, I hope you can be strong Marzia ♥ take care.

    Like

  21. jessicascanvascom

    So sorry about what you are going through. I totally get it because I have the same phobia. I use to get a lot of panic attacks thinking I was going to throw up, I would be on the bathroom floor crying that I didn’t wanna throw up. It was awful and I couldn’t calm down. They have gotten better since but I still am terrified. You aren’t alone, I’ll be praying for you that you won’t get sick. Love you lots!

    Like

  22. Lisa Carminati

    Mi dispiace tanto! Anche io odio vomitare e ho appena passato una situazione simile ma non ti preoccupare esci con i pugs e tieniti impegnata sono sicura che non avrai nulla! 🙂 forza forza forzaaaa! Guarisci presto Felix!
    Lisa

    Like

  23. Sofía

    Hey Marzia.
    So sad to hear this. Hope Felix get better and you don’t get sick.
    I’m in a relationship too, and it´s terrible when some of us gets sick and the other has to take care of everything. But, my advise for you, is to go see a therapist about your phobia. I don’t know your situation, maybe people already recommended it. I think it´s important for you because there are so many things that can cause you vomits. And you shouldn’t suffer like that every time it happens. If you get over your problem, you will be more calm in this situations, where you have to be strong for you and your partner.
    It’s an advise from the heart, not to judge or anything like that 🙂 You are doing a great job, and again, hope you don’t get sick.

    Sending my love from Argentina. Hope we see you both healthy ❤ Love you guys

    Like

  24. Leukolytic

    Luckily, if you have a phobia of vomit, you usually won’t do it at all unless you are extremely ill. I don’t know why, but this is the cause for people who have an extreme fear of vomit. Also, it probably was just related to his intolerance/allergy. You can’t always trust what people say. It was late, and I’m sure when you called, they just wanted to get it over with. Which is awful. They should have taken more time to confirm. They just told you what they believed people want to hear when they may not know or when they don’t want to take the time to figure it out.

    In the end, you were going to be okay. It may be hard, but try not to be focused as much on illnesses. It’s just worse in the long run for you mentally and emotionally to the point where you may even create the symptoms yourself. Sounds crazy, but is a real phenomena.

    Next time, try to keep as calm as you can. It may not be easy, but try to focus on helping the other person without believing you’ll be next. You seem pretty healthy, which should be seen as a compliment.

    Maybe you were also stressed from your friend Emma who was/is unwell. :(.

    Anyway, unrelated and very much random, but if you haven’t already, you should try Akatsuki no Yona (manga/anime), it is adorable and you may like it. *(n.n)* Or if that isn’t your taste, maybe try Tsubaki-chou Lonely Planet, it is adorable!!

    Like

  25. LisaJM

    Dear Marzia,

    sorry to hear that you are in so much stress and emotional pain yourself. I can relate to that phobia and the stress of dealing with it and maybe some sense of guilt because you can’t be there for Felix as much as you want to.
    I’m living with this phobia since I was 6 and once heavily threw up all night. Since then never again. So when my boyfriend was sicks with a stomach flu I went through the same panic attacks like you do. Standing somewhere far away, covering my ears, shaking and then a time of being super anxious begins about two weeks in hope not to get it as well until I feel like, its not contagious anymore. As I read through the comments I noticed that there are lots of Marzipans who are suffering from this phobia or can relate in some way and I think and hope that this gives you some kind of inner strength. For me personally its nice to know because it’s such a wearing thing to have.
    Be strong! Lots of Love
    Lisa

    Like

  26. youmeandharry

    Dearest Marzia,
    I am so sorry you experienced this. I am sending you positive and happy vibes!

    I have the same phobia. In fact, I am so sensitive that I avoid saying the word ‘vomit’ because it triggers my anxiety. I am 22 years old and have struggled with this fear and anxiety in general since I was 10 years old – over half my life!

    Reading your post made me feel so much better. I hope that doesn’t sound awful. I’ve always felt so alone and silly for having this phobia… Reading your story gave me hope and strength. Thank you for sharing!

    It’s almost 2 weeks since you posted this, so I hope you are okay!

    Sending you lots of love and support from sunny South Africa xxx

    Like

  27. Sandra

    I’ve struggled with the same phobia since I was a kid and I hope this doesn’t sound selfish of me, but it’s very relieving to see that I’m not alone. I know exactly how you feel and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For years I’ve tried to get better and deal with it, but nothing helps. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve decided not to have kids because I don’t want to throw up. If you ever feel like sharing I’d love to hear more about how you deal with it because I’m all out of ideas at the moment. Hope you’re feeling better.

    Like

  28. Alyssa Walsh

    I saw your youtube video about this and I felt so bad for the both of you 😦 I have a phobia of vomiting as well, I haven’t vomited since I was in grade 5 (I’m 22 now) because it was so traumatic to me that I guess my body just doesn’t let me do it anymore! I also have severe anxiety and so reading this post definitely made my heart beat a little faster! Panic attacks are the worst, and are very hard to explain to others, but we are all here for you, you’re not in it alone!! ❤

    Like

  29. Abby

    Hi, Marzia! I know you probably won’t see this since it’s been posted for a month now. I recently dicovered I have emetophobia. I have always suffered its effects, however, I recently found out that it was anxiety and that I suffered from that phobia. Suddenly many traumatic events in my life make sense. I discovered it when I was at Mazatlan on vacations with my brother. He had a bit too much to drink (and he had eaten too much as well). When we were on our room he was all out of it, and suddenly he was starting to choke on his vomit. Thankfully, the person next to him moved him on his side and he let it all out. However, I ran away quickly into the living room. My heart was pounding so fast, I started trembling, and my breath started to quicken. I was freaking out, and suddenly tears started to fall out of my eyes. The floor felt like a secure place, so I huddled on the corner while crying. On my hands I was holding onto my phobe, because I was talking to my friends. They were trying to calm me down, and just generally being there for me. I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to sleep somewhere else, but no one else was awake. So I was alone. This anxiety didn’t ease up when I woke up. It stayed until the next day. When my frienda told me that I apparently have emetophobia it all made sense. It’s good to know that I’m not alone feeling this way. When I read this post…I knew exactly how you felt. It’s like you described exactly what I go through. It’s the most awful thing to go through. I feel you, Marzia. I’m sorry you had to go through that again. Thanks for sharing this with us. I hope you and Felix are alright.

    Take care,

    Abby.

    Like

  30. Amanda

    I’m so sorry to hear this (even though it was a while ago.) I assume (and hope) that everything is better now. 🙂 I have a friend who suffers from vomit anxiety as well and it seems simply awful 😦 I suffer from having a phobia of roaches and the other day one appeared in my apartment, and I touched it by accident with my toe before I saw that it was there, and I experienced a very bad anxiety attack as well so I understand how you feel 😦 ❤ I'm very glad that things seem to be okay though! Hang in there 🙂

    Like

  31. Virginia Contreras

    this is so sad :C
    I never hear about Vomiting phobia, I have panic attacks too, so I so I understand a little about how that feels and IT’S HORRIBLE :C
    Hope you don’t have to go through someting like that again

    Like

  32. Hannah

    i know exactly how you feel. the name’s emetophobia. i think i suffer from it. thankfully, my anxiety and fear has been going down and rarely affecting me, so that’s good. but i’ve been through so much fear regarding nausea and vomiting. there was a point in my life where i think i would have rather died than vomit. and i was serious. every time i would eat i would always question if it was good for my stomach. i would try to eat really bland foods. if i had gas or if i was hungry or really full, i would confuse it for nausea, and get really anxious. every night the thought of my possibility of vomiting in the middle of the night passed my mind. i would avoid sweets at all cost. it’s so fear driven and it ruined my happiness. it was awful and i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. my sister and mom would always get annoyed with me if i ask them if i would be okay if i eat this or that, or if i simply vent to them. the sight or sound of vomit can make me feel nauseous itself, and make me extremely anxious. i could have a really normal breakfast and still be scared about vomiting. it would be one of the thoughts that was in the background of my mind, and sometimes it was the only thing i could think about. i would have happy moments, only to be ruined when the thought of nausea and vomiting passed my brain. it’s an awful fear. it’s literal hell. just typing this is making me tear up because for a few months in my life, this fear controlled me. and i’m so happy that it’s really died down. for some reason it doesn’t really affect me anymore. i’m still affected by it every now and then, but it’s a lot more minor. the fear may come back one day, who knows. when i heard about your fear, Marzia, it made me feel so less alone. and i felt so bad for what you were going through, because you had it a lot more worse than i did. i’m so happy that it doesn’t control me anymore, and so naturally it’s inevitable that the fear will pass for you too. it may still affect you every now and then but eventually it will pass. whenever i was in the bathroom stall at school, “nauseated” (because that’s what my anxiety convinced me of, and yeah, my fear got so bad that even when i wasn’t nauseated my brain convinced me i was,) i would always say “this too shall pass.” because yeah i’m suffering, but it wouldn’t last forever. it would only be a matter of time before i could be calm and feel healthy again. i know this is a more old post but i hope you take time to read this. this too shall pass. it’s okay. (i’m so emotional right now aldnakbdka)

    Like

  33. Anna Van Beek

    Hi Marzia. I know this is an old post, (and because of that you probably won’t see my comment) but I’ve been going through your blog from newest to oldest as I haven’t visited it in a while. I remember this from tweets/YouTube, though.
    Believe me when I say I know how you feel. I have the same phobia, and can’t stand hearing, smelling, or watching someone puke. If I have the stomach flu, I somehow force myself not to puke because I have such a phobia of it, which makes usually the sickness last longer. Fortunately I’ve only thrown up a few times in my life and haven’t in years (I’m almost 21 but I think I was about 13 or so the last time I puked). But I’ll get panic attacks too from it. (I get panic attacks from other things too, like spiders and other bugs sometimes. My last panic attack was two weeks ago when I saw a spider in the shower in the middle of me showering while at my boyfriend’s house. He wasn’t home at the time so I got out, with my hair still full of shampoo. I had a bad panic attack and it continued when he came home about ten minutes later. When I had my panic attack, I was afraid of EVERY bug, even a fruit-fly which normally don’t bother me. I know how horrible these experinces are so know that there are those of us that have dealt with the same things as you. I love you both and I’m so glad you’re both okay now and that you didn’t get the virus. 🙂

    Like

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